Notes from me

Mom, am I beautiful …

I wrote this a while ago … thought I would share it today.
This morning I read such an inspiring post, it was by a very real person. As you know from earlier posts, I really take pleasure in realness and sincerity because it seems to capture your heart with a solid grip rather than a passing, fleeting emotion.
As a child, I loved cars. I would play with them for ages. I was not much of a girly girl, my sister was the girly one and I was more of a tom-boy or bartar-toughy as my husband would call me. I preferred cars and my cabbage patch doll. This is my memory of me as a child and I guess as we have grown up, I’m still the one that’s not that into makeup and hair even though i do wear it to make myself feel pretty. Isn’t that why we do those things? To make us feel better about ourselves?
It is that question that got me writing out my stance of the peculiar yet daily experienced question most of us find ourselves asking (even if to ourselves)… Am I beautiful? Perhaps you asked your mom, when trying on her clothes, draping off your tiny skinny body as a little girl, desperate to wear her makeup or try on her oversized heels so you can look just like her. Of course, Mom will say ‘you are my darling. Your are very beautiful’
What does that leave in us? A pre-encrypted view of how we look to others for affirmation but very rarely do we find a genuine view of ourselves from someone else. I had a moment this morning, a moment of viewing myself and how I look from the inside instead of the outside. You see, from the outside I am 20 weeks pregnant, with our 2nd child. My body hardly had time to recover from the 1st pregnancy as I fell pregnant when my 1s born was 4 months old. So to be frank, my body is simply a bulging carrier of a blessing and nothing much more for me at this stage of my life.
It does not matter what situation you are in. It does not matter what you have been told as a child or as a women growing up. There is no real and genuine value in what you perceive yourself to be unless, and this is key, unless you are sincere with YOURSELF about how you view YOURSELF. It is totally my choice to be offended by someone or to feel overshadowed by someone. Hey, it’s totally my choice to allow words or actions or even circumstances to alter my perception of me. Haven’t you had days where you in a great frame of mind, on top of the world to suddenly feel super low and deflated? What made you change your mood? It was probably a reaction to something that you saw or faced that made you feel different within yourself. Something burst your bubble.

So I sat this morning feeling rather blue, feeling useless and horrible, something a shopping spree might will fix right? Someone press the big red button that goes BLEEP. What spree you need (and I’m talking to myself) is a conversion with your heart about who you choose to be and how you choose to go about being it. I can wallow in the oversized frame I’m carrying and the chaos of life and tiring work days and choose to not put on makeup because I’m just so darn tired or I can decide that I am actually happy no matter my state of affairs look like because I like being me whether I’ve been told that being me is cool or not. Whether or not I prefer to use makeup this morning or not. I still carry my body, my soul and my heart with me and its therefore my honest and rightful place to carry it the best way I can with the most authenticity I can muster. To be content with myself, whether I’m naked (oh dear!) or wearing clothes and makeup! Listen- I’m not saying get fat and look like a boy. I am saying that if my heart, soul and body is in good shape, chances are I will feel good enough to face the cannon balls life throws at me.

I was told to choose my battles…I’m sure you have heard someone say that before. Well I want to choose not to battle. I choose to know myself inside, to recognise my good, to see my joy instead of complaining about my mistakes, tiredness and bad choices.
Oh there are going to be days, days of blehh and arrghhh. But, I think if I’m happy with who I sincerely am inside. If I know who I am, I might just have the strength to laugh at myself and build that bridge everyone says to get over. If and when my daughter asks me one day ‘Mom, am I beautiful?’ my answer I have now learnt, will be “You are my shining star that beams from inside your heart right through to the outside”
Scripture reference: “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in Gods sight” 1 Peter 3 vs 4.



1 thought on “Mom, am I beautiful …”

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